Who I Am Versus Who I Am
Updated: Dec 4, 2020
Over the last few months, I’ve been digging. Digging really, really deep. It is easy to get hung up, hang your hat on, brag about, open up about… all the things about you that one might perceive as good. I mean, who doesn’t like to believe they are just… good. When people tell you how they think you are, who they think you are, how you bless them, it is encouraging, it is powerful. I would almost say it is necessary. To feel valued and appreciated for what you offer the world feels right. But I’m learning that as much as I love to only focus on the good about me, that isn’t my entire truth. That isn’t how I always show up in this world. Who you see today isn’t who I’ve always been. What I do that you can see, isn’t always what I represent when no one is looking. (wow, that hurt to type).
It is very, very hard to talk about the things you don’t want people to know. You worry that if people knew these truths, that it might change the way people see you. Perceptions tainted; ugliness revealed. I’ve been afraid to do this level of soul searching for some time. I’ve been terrified to tackle the very real issues that seem to show up, pop up, and mess up certain aspects of my life. I know I’ve never given off the air of perfection, in fact, I work really hard at being transparent about my pain. My trauma, my past. But this, this is different. While all of that matters, that isn’t what this is. In this process of authenticity, I’m forced to spend the time and the energy and also go up against my own personal resistance to facing who I really am during this process of uncovering. How does one be completely open and transparent about the ugly stuff? Why would I even want to?
I want to because there are moments where I fight who I am versus who you see. I struggle with an identity that wants you to believe I have some things figured out when in reality, there are still some things that are difficult for me to manage. And I don't want you to find out.
But I also consider you a friend, I love you. So with love comes a level of honesty that you deserve. That i need. So I share with you a glimpse of what this uncovering process has revealed:
I need to harbor less pain.
I need to stop delaying, denying and resisting who and what I am.
I need to chill on the stubbornness.
Could stand to be less impulsive.
My pride needs to stop overriding my common sense.
As a mother, I need to harbor less pain, chill on the stubbornness, be less impulsive, and the pride. OH my pride.
I’ve walked away from people, places and things that I thought no longer served me, to realize that it still did...yet my pride wouldn’t allow me to change my mind.
I say I forgive. But I don’t do so easily.
I anger like a slow simmer but baby…when I boil…Help us all.
Who Am I to YOU and Who I am to ME are equally important. I don’t ever want to stand on a stage, write in a book, put in a blog or a social media post anything that isn’t real, and lately, I’ve needed to deal with the things that show up and show out in my life constantly when no one is looking at me, but me.
I’m a Coach. I’m good at my job. I’m good at motivating YOU to be the best version of YOU. I’m good at giving you the BEST of me. I’m good at showing you how to do what you need to do to live the life you deserve. No one can take that from me. I’m proud of the gifts I’ve been blessed with.
I also want to be REALLY good at being a true representation of myself.
I thought by starting to share the areas of my life that need work..by revealing my imperfections, you would consider me a hypocrite. But what I know now is that this deep dive into who I am and how I choose to exist means I’m done with this preconceived notion of perfection based on the profession that chose me. I can’t deny the calling that was placed on my life even as I walk through my own personal struggles. I am here and so are my faults.
I’m human. But can I tell you something? As I grow you, I am growing me. Transformation is ongoing and this is the part of my journey where I vow to just keep improving along the way. And being open with you as I do.
So I’m THAT coach. THAT speaker. THAT writer. Just as you’ve chosen to tap into me to hold you accountable and support your journey (and I am forever grateful to you) I’ve also tapped into people that will continue to hold me accountable. I’m determined to work on those areas of my life that limit my shine and stunt my potential. I'm doing it for You. More importantly, I'm doing it for Me.
This is very personal.
So stick with me, will you? I promise to write. I promise to continue to reveal. I promise to continue to guide. I promise to speak. And I can promise you that we will discover and transform together as a result.
You with me? Let's evolve.
ACTION: Spend time thinking about who you are when the world isn’t looking. Write about it. Pray about it. Think about it. Now DO something about it.