Terrified, Broken, and Human
I'm in the process of writing not one, not two, but three books. All interconnected in many ways but all separate in the level of identity, space, and peace it takes to write them. I am on this continuous journey of healing. I just want to be free from the pain and chains. When I speak, I feel released, when I write I feel closer to you, my words give me hope and my laughter and humor give me the joy that I need to balance it all.
So as I'm trying to find time to write books, blog, mom, work, sister, coach, lead, give and love, I have no doubt that I lose myself in this process. Some days I wake up terrified and emotional around all that I know I'm being called to do yet have no clue how I'm going to do it. I am afraid at the level of responsibility that I have been given, simply by utilizing the gifts I was blessed with. When I try to articulate it, I can't. Allow me to try here.
There are moments when I allow the people who have influenced my life in all the wrong ways to seep into my spirit, reminding me of the past I'd rather forget, choices I wish I had not made, and failures that I've tried to suppress. I've let words that have haunted me tell me I'm not qualified, I'm not ready, I'm not able and I'm too broken. I've let the "who does she think she is" mentality to dominate my mind and paralyze my focus. I've simply believed that someone like me can't do all these things that I want to do.
There are days when I just don't walk it like I talk it. I own it. But here is the thing, I was speaking at an event this week and I said something that God said to me that I didn't even know I needed. I said that I am so open, transparent and honest with you because I want to create that humanness in YOU. I want you to naturally feel that you can open up about all your mess as you listen and read up on mine. I am NOT afraid to be human. In fact, I believe my pupose is to embody all that it is to be human.
There are way too many people out here trying to be something that they are not when the lights go off, the doors close and they exit the stage. When Facebook live turns off, they go back to their humanness while they put on a show for all of us. I see it and it is disheartening because we are imperfect people yet so impressed by imageries that embody what we, ourselves, know we could never be. We gravitate towards the unattainable and then beat ourselves up because we can't attain it. It is unhealthy yet it is so very...human. Then we blast and poke fun at human flaws because we believed them to be perfection. We are mad that someone isn't the perfect we know we could never be. How dare they say one thing and do another? Oh, because that is something we NEVER do, right?
All I'm saying is, there is manipulation, there is ego, there is downright falsity and there is ALSO fear, brokenness and humanness. It is really that individual who knows which side of the tracks they may fall.
Let me say this, a former prostitute, several who have been sexually abused, some with bipolar disorder, several who have been homeless, some who have cheated, many who are dealing with depression, a few borderline personality disorders, (fill in the blanks with whatever human "flaw" if you wish to call it that, you wish ) are some of the people I actually find to be a few of the most incredible people I know. Accomplished and Talented. Beautiful and Trying. Struggling and Hopeful.
And maybe your imperfections don't fall within this list but there is something. There is something that you struggle with that only you know about. That makes you feel inadequate. Makes you feel unworthy.
I need you to remember that God qualifies the broken to do the work for the masses. Imperfect people are called. I tend to lean into those folks more than those that try too hard. I can't relate to perfect. I don't know what that is.
All I'm saying with this one is to remember what it felt like when you received the grace, love, and forgiveness that you needed when you didn't get it right. Never forget that feeling or that moment because that should remind you to be careful how you treat the person who "sins" differently than you.