Hey ya! It has been a while and I've missed this space together.
Since we last shared a word or two, I've dealt with many things, I've transitioned into a new role, I have evolved my career, I began writing a book (or two), I started loving again and healing the past, and I lost one of the most important women in my life, My grandmother, whom I affectionately called Granny Girl. The last few months, I have struggled to awaken, struggled to sleep, lost my motivation, felt extremely lost and this cloud of confusion seems to come and go. I'm better today than I was a few months ago, though I won't say I'm completely there, but I'm here. Being here is much better than there. And through it all, I never stopped being fully there for you, just needed to take a second to recover.
I won't say I'm fully recovered, but I will say that I'm in recovery mode. Here is what I mean. See I've been here before. This pain, this level of hopelessness, but I'm recovering differently. I've found ways to lean on those I love and find peace within the pain. I've never lost my joy and I will never lose my hope. I know this too shall pass, so even in the midst of the storm, I'm able to move through my emotions and not fully attach myself to them. I know that each tear I cry and moment I have is just that...it is a moment, I trust the moment I'm having and allow myself to feel it. I wouldn't have been able to do this years ago, but in self-discovery and with intentional healing, I realize that while I'm a little weaker emotionally, I'm going to get better. I just have to take the time and give myself grace in order to do it. I mentioned in a Facebook post that the holidays feel just a tad bit off. I have had irrational thoughts of my grandmother being cold and wanting to ensure she is warm and okay. I've found myself looking around asking myself "where is she" and thinking that I'm in some sort of surreal(and incredibly wrong) universe and will wake up on the side of right any minute. Because life without her just can't be right. I look at my phone and think that she will call if I think long enough and will it so. I listen to my mother cry and deal with her grief by comparing and contrasting her own parenting and mothering and try to assure her that she is everything we hope to be. Losing Granny Girl has made me reflect on my own mortality, losing my mother. Losing my children. And I find myself going down this rabbit hole of "what ifs" that are devastatingly real to me for just a second. Watching her leave this earth and take that last breath will be forever imprinted in my mind. What I know about grief and loss is there aren't words to say, but only an ear to lend and love to give. I also know many people feel this way...you've told me so. And what I'll say to that is, it seems we are all in a sort of recovery mode.
I have thought of this analogy before and I want you to get comfortable in your mind and follow me. Think about your phone, when it is glitching or isn't working well and you can't seem to get it to function normally. You may try all kinds of things and when you realize nothing is working, the next logical option (even if you don't really want to do it) is to enter recovery mode or do a complete hard reset. Once you do that, you may start to realize certain things you were doing were causing the problem or perhaps there were things taking place beyond your control. In the process of recovery, you will lose some things, but if you are intentional, and do the work, you can recover most of what you lost and your phone should work better than before. Some things, you need to let go of and if you lose them, even if it hurts, you must learn to accept it. In many cases you have no choice but to accept that some things are gone for good.
Recovery mode is about allowing yourself the time to realign your system. Your purpose. Reflect on who you are and who you are becoming. Allow yourself to have a fresh start, and do not ignore the pain and the circumstances that brought you here, but do try to lean into what caused it and work on getting back to a stronger you. Notice I didn't say better, you are enough. I said stronger.
You may enter recovery mode many, many times...and it isn't about finding a cure or solution all the time. It does mean you can regain your joy and confidence and learn to never lose hope. It does mean to grow through what you go through.
However you choose to navigate your recovery from ALL of the things that brought you to this moment, is truly up to you. You make the choice on how you want to live your life and should take full accountability for the choices you make. Dealing with the emotional impact of any setback is REAL but you will recover. Healing has happened, it will happen and will continue to happen again and again. (if you choose healing)And with each moment of recovery, I'm excited to see the you that emerges.
Do you feel it? A Shift in the Atmosphere(title of book one, release date: TBA)
So do I....embrace it....lean on love, we all we got.
I love ya'll for real.
Granny Girl, I love you. I miss you...continue to guide us all. Your spirit is forever near...and the duck lips, classic girl...classic.